i think its pratically been fooooorever since i blogged on this thing.
probally since the last time was before deployment
and before he cheated
and before i thought my whole life was crumbling under my feet
so i guess i didnt want to write about it or feel it or something. it just sucked and i was already being reminded about it and the whore he cheated on me with didnt help.
stupid piece of white trash.
my life is full of ups and downs right now.
UPS: new car, 63 days to go and 151 down, moving to hawaii soon (: so fresh start
DOWNS: money money money money (i mean, the lack of it. i dont see what the problem would be with having too much is.) and i have a shitty family. yes. i said it. and dakota hasnt called in 3 weeks or so ): BOO
ravens steelers game -- KICKED ASS ohmygoddddddddddddd. i lost my voice, kirstin went, we WON 35-07 and just overall amazing time. it was 9/11 so it was really emotional not having or speaking to dakota. and w all the stuff they were doing made me so proud of him. just 29%, and tomorrow itll be 28!!!
i put the oooh in ooorah!
9.13.2011
5.03.2011
whellllp...
ive been hardcore slacking in this! and itll only get worse with no computer anymore :/
so here is my long random ass vent about whats been going on that just NEEDS to get out!! hahaha
so my man and i dont have the best relationship, ill be the first to admit it. we kinda like to screw each other since we started dating and its just been a vicious cycle. (were putting a stop to it.) i was a little suspicious about a new girl that had been allll over his facebook so i was trying to see if i should be concerned or let it go. i saw that he had messaged her when he got to afgan and a few times before but this one had hearts and he couldnt wait to see her blah blah puke. he just got deployed and its really hard to talk (duuh haha) so i talked to his best friend told me "karma is a fickle thing" when i asked if anything was going so yea i pretty much knew something was up. i was sooo upset. i didnt feel like i could talk to anyone because our situation is one nobody understands. i had kirstin come over and she deffenetly helped. but i was a mess, i couldnt eat, sleep and barely breathe. she spent like 4 days over spending the night and listening to me being pathetic haha, butt i love her for being there for me and supporting me. i was trying to hide it all from my mom (cause she likes to dictate my life and what i do alll the time) but i was watching TV and a coming home comertial came on and i lost it. so now she knew... the next two days were a bash fest about dakota for her. she was talking so much bad stuff about him and i was getting sick of it. she told me we were done. i was never allowed to see or hear from him ever again and we werent dating. im sorry, i thought i turned 19 on my last birthday? i guess that means she still runs my life.
i woke up the next morning to my first call. i was half asleep, angry. upset, frustrated, excited to hear from him, sooo many emotions came over me at one moment and i had to get the story straight from him. five minuets into the conversation my mother came in the room screaming at me that im done with him, im stupid, worthless, hang up the phone or shed shut it off so i kinda had to. after a looong ass lecture of her telling me i wasnt to ever talk to him, shed be checking my phone bill (im on her plan) and that i wasnt allowed to write him -- she left for work. he called back right after that and explained everything that went on (which is why were still together, he came clean about it and was honest in the end)
well everythings been getting better, its been a few weeks and my mom checked the phone bill friday night. i came home from work and she was telling me again im stupid, shes always right about all my relationships and seams to think this is allll about me choosing him over her.. WHICH IS NOT THE CASE!! i told her i needed the chance to mess up, let me feel how badly it hurts that way i know in my own experiences to never do this again. and plus, whenever you tell a teenager NOT to do something, that makes them want to go and do it anyways. She told me to pack my stuff and i wasnt staying there. she told me to change my address on my lience and at school and work, called to have my phone turned off, kept the car and the laptop she bought me for christmas a few years ago. this is the one time im soo glad for my parents divorce so at 1am after i packed my stuff, i took what i could carry, and my dog and walked across town to my dads. my dad lives in the shittiest conditions, no oven, food lying around for weeks, and just stuff everywhere. but its only until november. he just doesnt have a car there for me yet but im working on it..
my boyfriend felt sooo bad and suprised that i finally stood up to my mom, ive never been fully independent but im trying. weve been talking about getting married next july but since this happened he wants to move it to right after deployment(((((: i may have to take a sememster or more off of school, get money and a car and then ill go back (or do psu world on the beach in hawaiiiiii ) everythings looking better, im in the oprocess of cleaning the attic for myself and my blake and getting appliances and such so its livable.
SORRY it was so long.. this has all been happeneing over a few weeks now and i finally got a computer to write it all out and im sick of everyone telling me how to go about my relationships and judging me and what nottttt. ive had like next to no support except from a few people and im more than greatful for them and all there help<3333
so my man and i dont have the best relationship, ill be the first to admit it. we kinda like to screw each other since we started dating and its just been a vicious cycle. (were putting a stop to it.) i was a little suspicious about a new girl that had been allll over his facebook so i was trying to see if i should be concerned or let it go. i saw that he had messaged her when he got to afgan and a few times before but this one had hearts and he couldnt wait to see her blah blah puke. he just got deployed and its really hard to talk (duuh haha) so i talked to his best friend told me "karma is a fickle thing" when i asked if anything was going so yea i pretty much knew something was up. i was sooo upset. i didnt feel like i could talk to anyone because our situation is one nobody understands. i had kirstin come over and she deffenetly helped. but i was a mess, i couldnt eat, sleep and barely breathe. she spent like 4 days over spending the night and listening to me being pathetic haha, butt i love her for being there for me and supporting me. i was trying to hide it all from my mom (cause she likes to dictate my life and what i do alll the time) but i was watching TV and a coming home comertial came on and i lost it. so now she knew... the next two days were a bash fest about dakota for her. she was talking so much bad stuff about him and i was getting sick of it. she told me we were done. i was never allowed to see or hear from him ever again and we werent dating. im sorry, i thought i turned 19 on my last birthday? i guess that means she still runs my life.
i woke up the next morning to my first call. i was half asleep, angry. upset, frustrated, excited to hear from him, sooo many emotions came over me at one moment and i had to get the story straight from him. five minuets into the conversation my mother came in the room screaming at me that im done with him, im stupid, worthless, hang up the phone or shed shut it off so i kinda had to. after a looong ass lecture of her telling me i wasnt to ever talk to him, shed be checking my phone bill (im on her plan) and that i wasnt allowed to write him -- she left for work. he called back right after that and explained everything that went on (which is why were still together, he came clean about it and was honest in the end)
well everythings been getting better, its been a few weeks and my mom checked the phone bill friday night. i came home from work and she was telling me again im stupid, shes always right about all my relationships and seams to think this is allll about me choosing him over her.. WHICH IS NOT THE CASE!! i told her i needed the chance to mess up, let me feel how badly it hurts that way i know in my own experiences to never do this again. and plus, whenever you tell a teenager NOT to do something, that makes them want to go and do it anyways. She told me to pack my stuff and i wasnt staying there. she told me to change my address on my lience and at school and work, called to have my phone turned off, kept the car and the laptop she bought me for christmas a few years ago. this is the one time im soo glad for my parents divorce so at 1am after i packed my stuff, i took what i could carry, and my dog and walked across town to my dads. my dad lives in the shittiest conditions, no oven, food lying around for weeks, and just stuff everywhere. but its only until november. he just doesnt have a car there for me yet but im working on it..
my boyfriend felt sooo bad and suprised that i finally stood up to my mom, ive never been fully independent but im trying. weve been talking about getting married next july but since this happened he wants to move it to right after deployment(((((: i may have to take a sememster or more off of school, get money and a car and then ill go back (or do psu world on the beach in hawaiiiiii ) everythings looking better, im in the oprocess of cleaning the attic for myself and my blake and getting appliances and such so its livable.
SORRY it was so long.. this has all been happeneing over a few weeks now and i finally got a computer to write it all out and im sick of everyone telling me how to go about my relationships and judging me and what nottttt. ive had like next to no support except from a few people and im more than greatful for them and all there help<3333
4.07.2011
pre deployment jitters ):
Ggggggahh, in twelve hours I will be leaving with Dakota to go to the airport. He has to go back to Hawaii from pre-deployment leave; and in a week, he will be deploying. It still hasnt hit me, but by tomorrow this time, im sure it'll hit me like a brick, and unfortunatly I'll be working.
I think I'm more scared than he is. I keep hearing about everyone breaking up and everything that went on with 3/5 has made me scared to death for him. I told him I'd plan for a seven month vacation to Aftrachganistan for most of deployment (: but ofcourse, he wouln't go for it ):
I really need to keep up with blogging. And hey! Deployment gives me that chance! But for now, I'm in class, so I'll update my feelings and emotional problems later.
As for a final comment thought: I hope and pray I get thru this without being a mess everyday. I know this is what he was trained to do, but I'm still scared for him and the unexpected. It doesn't help I always think the worst either ):
I think I'm more scared than he is. I keep hearing about everyone breaking up and everything that went on with 3/5 has made me scared to death for him. I told him I'd plan for a seven month vacation to Aftrachganistan for most of deployment (: but ofcourse, he wouln't go for it ):
I really need to keep up with blogging. And hey! Deployment gives me that chance! But for now, I'm in class, so I'll update my feelings and emotional problems later.
As for a final comment thought: I hope and pray I get thru this without being a mess everyday. I know this is what he was trained to do, but I'm still scared for him and the unexpected. It doesn't help I always think the worst either ):
1.20.2011
finally time to update!
wow, my ass is totally being kicked by school, work and life in general.
In my last post, I said I would update. but I don't feel like re-opening it, because it's actually kinda sad. It's really about my new year, Dakota leaving, and a yearly update. && 2010 is a year I don't want to ever go back to. It was a rough year, but I did learn a lot and became such a stronger person in the long run for it. , Well; lately like I've said, I'm busy with school. last semester I bombed, so I wanna make sure this ones in the bag. It's been kinda easier that Dakota's in the feild, but that also stresses me out cause I really miss him. I went a week without talking to him and had a night or two in a row I got to talk to him and it was ah-may-zingg.! It really made me smile from ear to ear for a couple days (: I'm excited for tomorrow, I have my psych class which is one of my favorites, and thats it. Ill be done by 11 (: hopefully I hear from Dakota too, which could make it so much betterrrrr.
welll I'd gunna do more homework. Wish me luckk
In my last post, I said I would update. but I don't feel like re-opening it, because it's actually kinda sad. It's really about my new year, Dakota leaving, and a yearly update. && 2010 is a year I don't want to ever go back to. It was a rough year, but I did learn a lot and became such a stronger person in the long run for it. , Well; lately like I've said, I'm busy with school. last semester I bombed, so I wanna make sure this ones in the bag. It's been kinda easier that Dakota's in the feild, but that also stresses me out cause I really miss him. I went a week without talking to him and had a night or two in a row I got to talk to him and it was ah-may-zingg.! It really made me smile from ear to ear for a couple days (: I'm excited for tomorrow, I have my psych class which is one of my favorites, and thats it. Ill be done by 11 (: hopefully I hear from Dakota too, which could make it so much betterrrrr.
welll I'd gunna do more homework. Wish me luckk
1.10.2011
back to school, back to school...
Alright, weeeeeeeeeellll I'm up at school, and I have my other update on my computer in the car, and I'm in the lab so I guess the BIG update will have to come later. Anywho; today was the first day of spring semester, so far tho I've only had one class, psych<3 and I have no doubts it'll be my favourite. & its even childhood and adolescence so it'll be intresting. There's only nine kids in my class, so I'll deffenetly be able to get alot of hands on work aswell. Just gotta buy the book, 150 smackeroonies out the window. Thank you college, as if you're not raping me out of all my money already... but now I get to print out pages and pages of notes for the class, so I decided to save my ink and do it in the lab instead, go me! I have one more class for the day, then tomorrow I'm here from 1045-1745.
12.28.2010
busy, busy, busy!
I just want to sleeeeeeeeeep. I'm so busy with work and Dakota but those alone are exhausting. I went out to dinner with him, his brother, and his best friend and I felt like I was the babysitter. Then he decides to pick a fight with me! &&& to make this week even better, his mother doesn't want to share him because "she bought the ticket, so she gets him." Why is it that I feel like the only adult ever anymore? I wish I wasn't. Just go back a year ago, where all I did was sit around, doing nothing but playing on the computer and hangin' out with my civilian boyfriend during this nice holiday break. But noooooooo, had to grow up, and my boyfriend became government issued. Damn you real life!
Hopefully tomorrow pans out nicely. I should get Dakota, ALL DAY. (If not, I'll be one unhappy kid!) He told me he would bring over breakfast pretty early, get to spend time together and get close (; hahaha. Then we're going to get our pre-pre-deployment pictures taken by my cousins sister at the mall, as civilians ): And finally have a date night by getting dinner and watching a movie at my house and he's spending the night. So probally hottubin it alone too! (: I'm really excited, but worried it wont happen the way I hope. His mother will probally find a way to make baby come home as to her liking.. again. She should learn to share ): haha
But annnnnnywho, I'm gunna start picking out some outfits for tomorrow, and play with the puppy for a little bit and I should be posting tomorrow if I live to tell about it! (:
Hopefully tomorrow pans out nicely. I should get Dakota, ALL DAY. (If not, I'll be one unhappy kid!) He told me he would bring over breakfast pretty early, get to spend time together and get close (; hahaha. Then we're going to get our pre-pre-deployment pictures taken by my cousins sister at the mall, as civilians ): And finally have a date night by getting dinner and watching a movie at my house and he's spending the night. So probally hottubin it alone too! (: I'm really excited, but worried it wont happen the way I hope. His mother will probally find a way to make baby come home as to her liking.. again. She should learn to share ): haha
But annnnnnywho, I'm gunna start picking out some outfits for tomorrow, and play with the puppy for a little bit and I should be posting tomorrow if I live to tell about it! (:
12.22.2010
the days have finally turned to hours
OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!! I'm now finally counting down hours not days, or months, hours!!!! I am so unbelievably excited I can barely keep it in! Like, I don't even mind opening tomorrow and my killer headache as bad as I would, or the fact that I can't sleep I'm too freakin excited!! It's been four long months and this can't come soon enough. But, it feels like I'm dreaming. I mean, I've known it has been coming, but for it to actually be here feels go great, like a weight is being lifted haha. &&&& noww it's causing me to go crazy, but it's okay. Hopefully he talks to his parents so that I can go with them to the airport tomorrow. If not, the minuet he's in the area, he is alllllll mine. Not all theese other chicks hopping on his dick.. you hear me girls?! DAKOTA CLAY HEATH is alllllllll mine for theese next 10 or so days, so don't even bother.. it wont work!! < / rant > <33333333
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